Dear You,

Oh what a crazy thing this heart is! I wanted you to stay so badly and now that you are, my heart questions the motive. What is wrong with me? I’m torn between wanting to believe that you’re staying because you’ll miss me and not because I convinced you otherwise. Between wanting to believe that your heart tells you to instead of feeling obliged to me. Between wanting to believe that my absence will be a gaping hole in your life and not because your absence will cause one in mine.

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How pleasing to the ears this piece of news! You are staying! I throw confetti in the air, I dance carelessly to a soundless tune, I wiggle and twirl and turn the news around. I let out a little laugh from deep within, an echo, a proof of a wordless joy. So that if one day one may ask me what I felt today, I could take out this little package that says “Evidence: 30.10.07″ and let it be heard by one and all; this little laugh is proof of my silent secret elation. Can you hear that? Do you trace the smile behind the laugh? The tension let loose, the despair being set free. Would you not then believe when you hear it? Some things aren’t mean to be read with words, its meant to be experienced.

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Now that you are staying, how liberated I feel. But what is that? A shadow lurking at the nook of my mind. Oh everyone, meet Miss R. R for Realistic, for Rational, for Reasonable. For Ruining my wild joy, for Robbing me of what my heart wants to feel. R for Restraining myself from going overboard.

Miss R tells me “Dear girl, have you forgotten that you are not whole? Haven’t you given part of yourself to someone before? Did you get it back? Of course you didn’t. Do you want to give some more and be left with nothing? Is this worth your joy and effort? Have you given much thought to it yet? Don’t be rash little one. You’re only subjecting yourself to potential hurt. I’m only trying to help you. Why do you set yourself up for heartbreak? What have you got to offer him? He’ll see through you and see that there’s nothing there at all and one day, he’ll leave too. Why bother my dear one? Don’t.”

And she silences me. And I portray my joy to the barest minimum. Oh if you only knew!